You may be feeling any range of emotions from shock, fear, excitement, anger, or even a jumbled mixture of all or more of those.
What is the best way to respond when your girlfriend (or fiancée or wife) unexpectedly drops the news that she’s pregnant? Here are a few things we recommend:
1 – Use “we” language…not “I” or “you” language
Remember, despite how you’re feeling, the baby she’s carrying is just as much yours as it is hers. You played a part in this pregnancy. This isn’t “her problem” – it’s something you both need to work through together.
Saying things such as “Okay – let’s figure this out together,” or “we can do this – we’re going to work through this together” go such a long way and mean the world to your girlfriend (whether she says so or not). This type of verbiage helps your girlfriend feel less like she’s in this situation alone.
Alternatively, saying things like “I can’t do this,” or “whatever you want to do is fine” make your girlfriend feel like the decision and any possible consequences to that decision rest on her shoulders alone.
2 – Reassure her and tell her she’s not alone
Similar to the first point, letting your girlfriend know she’s not alone in any decision, and that you’re willing to stand by her and help her get through this confusing time, means the world to her.
Offer to go with her if she decides to tell her family about the pregnancy, attend doctor appointments, and just be there to sit and listen to her. Even if she refuses your help, the fact that you offered will mean a lot to her.
Promising to be there for her during this decision-making time does not mean you’re committing to a life-long relationship with her. It’s simply taking responsibility for your actions and working through the situation with your girlfriend in a mature way.
3 – Figure out your relationship with her later
You may not know whether you want to stay with your girlfriend at this point, and that’s okay for now. It’s not necessary to be thinking about whether or not you’ll stay together forever at this very moment.
It’s helpful to remember that your offer to be there for your girlfriend and your taking responsibility for your part in the situation does not mean you’re committing to a long-term relationship. Talking through your relationship issues while you and your girlfriend are trying to weigh your pregnancy options will likely just add on more unnecessary stress and make it harder to think rationally about the situation.
Work through things together, one step at a time.
4 – Take your time, and consider all of your options
No decision needs to be made immediately. Give yourself and your girlfriend time to process your feelings and emotions before thinking through your options. That way, you’re considering everything with a level head and are less likely to rush into any decisions.
If your girlfriend hasn’t had a clinical pregnancy test yet, you might consider getting one to confirm the pregnancy. At Woodbury Options for Women, we offer free pregnancy testing and free limited OB ultrasounds to verify exactly how far along the pregnancy is. This is vitally important to ensure the baby is where it’s supposed to be (if the baby isn’t in the right spot, there may be significant risk to your girlfriend’s life).
Lastly, but certainly not least, we offer free options advocacy. Our trained advocate will help you walk through every option you have, whether that be parenting, adoption, or abortion. We’ll talk through all the different abortion procedures – including processes, procedures and risks – as well as discuss the pros and cons of both parenting and adoption.
Oftentimes, it’s incredibly helpful to talk through your options with a third-party who isn’t emotionally involved. If you’d like to schedule an appointment, fill out a request online or call us at 651-340-9062 and we’d be happy to help you.
5 – Your voice matters
“It’s her body, her choice – right?”
Kris (our client advocate), who has talked with hundreds of women facing unplanned pregnancies, stated that she felt this was NOT what women usually want to hear. The statement “it’s your body, so it’s your choice. I’ll support you no matter what” may have the undesired effect of putting all the burden on the woman.
If she chooses abortion and then later regrets it, that’s on her.
If she chooses to parent and either of you have a tough day, that’s on her.
Ultimately, you, as a man, are called to offer your strength to the world when it needs it. And in this moment, your girlfriend needs you more than ever. Your voice, above all others in her life, is the one that likely matters the most in this decision.
Your voice matters.
Conclusion
Finding out you’re a father unexpectedly can be, and often is, a scary time. But how you react to the news has a major impact on your girlfriend, your baby, and even yourself.
If you are still thinking through your pregnancy options, we can help. Schedule a free consultation appointment for yourself or you and your girlfriend with us today by calling 651-340-9062 or filling out our form online!